Happy Fun Ball
Happy FUN BALL! -only $14.95-* Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball. Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds. Happy Fun Ball Contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete. Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:
If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head. Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin. When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration… Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability. Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space. Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball. Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee. Happy Fun Ball ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES! *Additional taxes, charges, surcharges, and surtaxes may apply. These include local, state and federal excises, as well as a 6% levy imposed by NATO. Plus, your landlord wants a piece of the action, so we’re throwing him half a point. Also, to cover the significant cost of building our distribution infrastructure, extra charges for play activity will be assessed according to the following schedule: $.10 per bounce, $.15 per throw, and $.25 cents per toss and catch combination. Since we cannot justify the expense of providing hot coffee throughout the workday at our corporate headquarters, we also add a Perk-Me-Up Surcharge to each customer’s bill. The exact amount is determined by the associate handling your account, who adjusts the figure based on how mind-numbingly bored he becomes while preparing your statement. The Accounts Receivable Sluggers are looking sharp in new uniforms purchased with funds generated by the Softball Surcharge. Ginny and the whole team from the third floor (current record 2-0!) thank you for your support. In consideration of Jesus’ advice, “A rich man can no sooner enter heaven than a camel fit through the eye of a needle,” we’ve taken it upon ourselves to improve your spiritual life with a monthly Immortal Soul Purification Surcharge, which fluctuates according to the balance in your checking account. In fact, it’s usually equal to the balance of your checking account. How do we get that information? Through a special arrangement with your financial institution, paid for by a Convenience Fee added to your monthly bill. You might question the efficacy of charging you a fee in order to collect a surcharge—but you’d have to read this fine print first. And we don’t think you will. It’s just a gray block of six-point text hidden on the back of a brochure. You’d have to really want to track down what that asterisk on the front leads to—and that’s if you even know what an asterisk means. Which most people don’t. They just think it’s there for show, like a flower on a lady’s hat. So here we are, telling you all the sundry ways we’re going to screw you to the wall as soon as you sign your contract, and we might as well be shouting down a hole. You know what? Yo mamma so ugly, Sasquatch took a picture of HER! See? You’ll never know we said that. At least not until you get your first statement and see the Yo Ugly Mamma Surcharge. |
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